Humans are curious creatures with the singular propensity to consume stuff that shouldn’t exist in a perfect world. Especially around festivities. We clean houses, so gastronomy is not really inside our skill set. However you don’t need to be a food critic to figure out some things shouldn’t go inside of you. This started out as an article about awesome beverages you can prepare yourself for the holidays, but after browsing cutesy mom sites for a few hours, we decided we are now angry at the world. We’ll take it all out on these atrocities like well adjusted level-headed adults instead. Mind that this is our view on these drinks and liking them doesn’t unnecessary mean you are a ropeable person, but it does diminish the chances of us smoothly organising a party menu together. With that out of the way:
1. Eggnog
Discarded chicken embryos, bovine lactation, and booze never looked this good together.
Let’s get this one out of the way first. Eggnog is disgusting. Yeah,we said it. Raw egg yolks, milk, and booze? If there’s anything that can make your hangover worse, that’s stomachache. We do know you are not supposed to drink much of it, but that’s just a huge red flag if we ever saw one. It’s slimy and unpleasant. Not much else to say.
Cleaning Hazard: 6/10
It’s sticky, creamy, and awful to get out of fabric. Especially carpets once it’s dried up. You’ll definitely need your rugs steam cleaned.
2. Brandy-Kissed Snowflakes
Better for decoration than drinking.
Brandy, whipped cream, and creme de cacao. We actually tried these because they were easy to make and looked like the best way to drink at work. They are… heavy. It feels like you are drinking a cake, except the brandy’s sharpness starkly contrasts to the other two ingredients. Not the worst thing ever, but it made us crave actual cake and an actual alcoholic drink.
Cleaning Hazard: 5/10
It inflicts pretty much the same damage as dropping dessert on yourself. You’ll be alright as long as you take care of the mess on the spot. A napkin is always applicable.
3. Hot Chocolate-Stout Float
Messily poured AND in a jar? Gourmet confirmed. (We don’t know what gourmet is.)
This was the point we started getting a bit ticked off. Who the hell mixes beer with chocolate, cream and caramel? Stout no less! And look at it. LOOK. At. It! This is something a kid would put together after tasting beer and dumping all kinds of sweets in it to mask the taste, but still pretend to be an adult. We don’t know if pouring beverages like a Parkinson’s stricken bartender on the first ever perpetually in motion mountain horseback bar is trendy now, but this should stop. Nobody wants their drink served so the only way you can drink it is stupidly leaning to the table while discussing moustache wax and/or the new armpit hair dye you found on some site.
Cleaning Hazard: 10/10
What do you expect when it comes poured like that? Even if they mix it like a normal person would, the sticky-sweet chocolatey concoction can do a serious number on your bright fabrics. And being served warm you can expect it to fuse into the fibres quicker than you can say “Can you put it in a normal cup please?”.
4. Hot Buttered Rum
It has a stick of butter floating in it!?!….
There’s a certain pattern that emerged while we were researching this. And that pattern is people be puttin’ butter in everything. Hot rum with cinnamon is practically better than a hug from your mother on a cold winter day. When you add butter to the mix though you make it into an awkwardly prolonged embrace from your creepy hypothetical uncle Tony who always smells of truck stop bathroom and kindergarten food.
Cleaning Hazard: 8/10
The threat is higher here because you can actually get pretty plastered with this drink, and thanks to the buttery infusion you can be sure it will leave oily stains everywhere when you start throwing it up.
5. Hot Buttered Apple Cider
This too has a stick of butter floating in it?!?…
This again? Wait… Hot? Buttered? Cider?! Alright listen up. Cider is supposed to be a refreshing drink. When boiled it becomes a fructose laden liquid tooth-rot. Just think of what happens to a bottle of cider left in the sun, and multiply it by hotplate. Then slap a stick of butter in that sucker, pepper it with spices and apply it directly to your piehole. You can immediately taste the regret of a lifetime of bad decisions, no physical exercise, late night reality show binging, lowering your standards to the bare minimum and trusting sites to tell you what you should drink around the holidays.
Cleaning Hazard: 10/10
You will never completely clean the slimy taste out of your soul.
We are getting queezy just looking at it.
6. Red Hot Santa Tini
This one has a name that makes you feel like a douchebag for just saying it. Due to our masochistic curiosity and recently found loophole in the company regulations that let’s you drink at work as long as your beverage looks like a pastry we decided to recreate this one too. Chad was the only one who liked the taste, but that’s only because he doesn’t exist. Chilli pepper vodka, whipped cream, and chocolate liquor. Chilli peppers and chocolate are usually an awesome combination. This tastes nothing like it. It tastes like what getting pranked in your drunken sleep feels like. Though instead of just drawing genitals on your forehead, they filled your mouth with hot sauce and kicked you in the stomach, then locked the toilet.
Cleaning Hazard: 4/10
You’ll probably pour it in the sink after the first sip, so there’s not a huge risk for any other area of your home.
7. Gingerbread People Jello Shots
“Don’t think about what’s in me, put me in yourself!”
For those who are too lazy to lift a whole glass. Just add ground pig bones(What did you think gelatin is made from?) in it! We don’t know if you’ve ever tried jello shots, but they are pretty much consumed like normal shots but harder because it’s jello. They also vaguely taste like something that has a pig in it, but maybe that’s just my imagination. These contain vodka, cream, creme de cacao, dash of pumpkin spice, and enough ill-placed homemaker pride to put down a whole knitting club for at least a week. Whoever makes these gingerbread people, deserves their kids finding them, eating them all, and then be a drunken example of how their parents are still acting a few decades of wisdom later.
Cleaning Hazard: 0/10
These are completely clean. No dripping. They are even called “Gingerbread People”, as not to impose the gender binary upon them, and thus completely politically correct.
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